طريقة عملية لتطبيق العهود (العقود) الخاصة بالأسرة .. كتاب عندما تكسب قلب طفلك

A Practical Way to Implement Family Covenants - Contracts as a Means of Balancing Love.. Book When You Win Your Child's Heart

- A Practical Way to Implement Family Covenants

Using the concept of a contract at home is a very effective way to balance the boundaries imposed on children and our love for them. Dr. (Charels Barnard) and Dr. (Ramin Corrals) found that every family has to establish a system of rules and boundaries by writing these rules and boundaries very clearly in a special document, and before family members sign this document, they must know very clearly what they are signing, and what are the consequences of violating the terms of the contract. So the basic question in this matter is how can the terms of this contract be implemented day by day?

Here, Dr. (Shelenberger) provided us with his magic recipe that helped us answer the previous question. Dr. (Shelen Berger) taught us that
There are three steps to implementing contracts:

1 - Set clear rules, and record them in writing in the appropriate document.
2- Ensure that these rules are fixed and regularly implemented.

3- Monitor attempts to deviate from these rules or resist them and punish by depriving them of privileges.

The third step is what we were missing in our family. We established the rules and wrote them in a document and signed it. However, we did not include in this document or contract the consequences of deviating from its terms in a practical and applicable manner. So we met again as a family and re-drafted the contract to include what was missing. Since 1977 until now, the basic terms of that contract have remained fixed, and no amendments have been made to them except that we have extended their implementation several times.

First, we sat down and discussed, I mean all family members, the terms of the contract and came out with a result included in Table No. (1)

Table No. (1)
Family rules (limits)

1- Learn to obey parents

Answer by saying: Yes, my father and mother, and carry out orders directly.

- Do not complain or refuse: Examples
I don't want to do that
Am I forced to do that?
This is not fair.

- Do not insist in a humiliating way. Examples:

Please. Please Can't I do that?

Can't I go, mom? And repeat it three times or more

2- Learn to put things in their place or return them to their place after using them.

- Toys should be in their place in the room, in the closet, or in the storeroom.

- Clothes in the dirty laundry basket or hanging in the clothes closet, towels above the sink or hanging on the towel rack...

- Each of your belongings has a special place, and your belongings should be in their places.

3- Learn to do your homework

- Clean your bedroom and tidy it up before you go to school.

- Put the dishes you used for your food in the kitchen sink.

- Do your homework, practice your piano practice, and move the trash bag to the container

- Feed the cat, then you can play.

- There are special tasks when the father or mother needs help.

4- Learn general etiquette

- Table manners:

- Walk to the dining table quietly.
- Put your hands in your lap.
- Talking is prohibited before finishing the meal prayer
- Chew food well with a closed mouth
- If you need something from the table, ask for it politely, please pass me such and such a plate or such and such a plate ...

- Speech etiquette

- When others are talking, wait until they finish talking, then ask for what you want to do or say:

- When you do not agree with someone's speech, do not tell them directly, but try to ask as a learner, what did you say, please? Or I thought it was such and such.

- There is no doubt that the list of etiquettes of good manners may be as long as the parents want, but it is preferable to focus on the basics, and the details can be learned later.

1- Learn to take care of God's creatures, humans, animals and things.

- Self-care:

- Bathing, brushing teeth, preparing the school bag, reading, listening to music, sleeping early at 8-9 pm.

- Caring for others:

- Ask questions, and do not argue with others.

- Treat others kindly and avoid roughness.

- Pray for people with whom you disagree, so that God may guide them to the right path.

- Be kind and positive, and do not behave in a humiliating manner with others, or call them names or bad qualities.

- Caring for animals and being kind to them:

Do not hit pets or other people's pets, and do not disturb them, and try if you have time to feed them and pet them.

- Taking care of things:

- Protecting and taking care of the house’s contents and not breaking them.

- Not jumping on beds or chairs.

- Not playing with balls inside the house and throwing them at the walls, ceiling or house objects.

- Not harming small trees or climbing on them.

The second step in our contract as a family was to decide what privileges would be lost for violating the terms of the contract. The children had many ideas on this subject, such as: deprivation of toys, deprivation of watching television, deprivation of going to the cinema, deprivation of eating out in restaurants, deprivation of small meals between main meals, deprivation of friendships and relationships with colleagues, deprivation of using the phone, deprivation of dinner for a month, and finally, confinement to the room. Their suggestions for punishments were harsh suggestions that we as parents might not dare to think of and implement. We wrote a list of 30-40 deprivation penalties. However, we later modified it to include a 24-hour deprivation of specific privileges for anyone who violated the five aforementioned rules. We have provided an example of these punishments in Table No. (2). Table No. (2)
Required responsibilities and violations due for non-implementation

- Unfulfilled responsibilities

1- Obedience

Disobedience to father and mother
Complaining and grumbling
Arguing and quarreling
Extreme insistence

- Type of deprivation stipulated for a period of 24 hours

Deprivation from all games

- Unfulfilled responsibilities

2- Cleanliness

Cleaning the room every morning

Cleaning the places you use to play
Neglecting to put used things back

- Type of 24-hour deprivation

Deprivation from watching TV

- Unfinished responsibilities

3- Duties

Weekly mowing the lawn

Taking the trash bag to the container daily

Writing assignments

Music lessons

- Type of 24-hour deprivation

Deprivation from small meals after coming home from school

- Unfinished responsibilities

4- Etiquette No eating, in church, in public places

- Type of 24-hour deprivation

Deprivation from going to a restaurant the next time the family is scheduled to dine out.

- Unfulfilled responsibilities

5- Taking care of God's creatures

Not sleeping on time

Not brushing teeth

Not being kind to others

Harming animals or things

- Type of deprivation stipulated for a period of 24 hours

Deprivation from seeing friends

It is noted from the previous table that children who fail to adhere to one of the terms of the contract will bear responsibility for that by depriving them of one of their privileges, such as depriving them of their toys, or preventing them from watching television or other punishments for a period of 24 continuous hours. We used to meet every day after dinner for a period of 10-15 minutes to evaluate the behavior of family members regarding adherence to the five terms of the contract. We placed the contract document in a prominent place on the door of the kitchen refrigerator next to the dining table in legible and clear handwriting, and we covered the document with transparent plastic paper so that we could write on this document and point out the violations committed by the children, and then we could erase what was written on the document.

To simplify the follow-up of the previous document, we shortened Table No. 2 to become as shown in Table No. 3, and during our meeting after dinner we would quickly review this table, for example, if Greg was negligent in one of his daily duties, we would mark X in front of the type of negligence he committed, and he would be deprived of the snack that would be provided to him after he returned from school, the day after he committed the violation. During this time, Greg could learn how to care about his duties, and not neglect any of them.

Table No. (3)
Responsibilities and punishments for violating children

- Violation

1- Obedience
2- Cleanliness
3 Duties
4 Manners
5- Caring for God's creatures

Carrie
Greg
Mike
- Complete deprivation

Games
Television
Snacks
Dinner out
Seeing friends