ملامح الذات المغلقة - ١ - كتاب عندما تكسب قلب طفلك

Features of the Closed Self - 1 - Book When You Win Your Child's Heart

Features of the Closed Self

When a child begins to close himself off for any reason, some of the following features are likely to appear on him and his behavior:

. He may argue, resist, and refrain from doing what is asked of him.

. He may become quarrelsome and hate anything you like.

. He may behave in a withdrawn manner, and be negative in every discussion or group work.

. He does not respond to the good feelings and emotions shown by others, especially with those he believes are the cause of his problem.

If the child's case of self-absorption is more advanced, other features may appear on him, such as:

. Seeking to accompany and befriend people you absolutely refuse for your son to deal with or stay among. Or at least dealing with people different from the friends you want your son to deal with.

. Exaggerating the expressions of oaths (faith) or using disrespectful language and vocabulary.

. He may get involved in groups that use prohibited substances such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, or other things.

He may get involved in sexual practices outside the permissible framework, or at an early age that does not match his age.

In severe cases of self-absorption, the child may leave his home and abandon his family, and in rare cases he may commit suicide in an attempt to end his life and withdraw permanently from this (society that does not understand him).

All of these signs are symptoms of self-absorption. If we can distinguish these signs, discover them early, and try to help the person who has closed himself off by re-opening himself to the world again, we will have spared this person deeper problems, and saved ourselves before him from what we do not want to happen to us, such as feelings of injustice, negligence, guilt complexes, or other things.

During my work as a social expert in advice and guidance, I noticed that this rule (the rule of self-absorption as a result of harmful stimulation) applies to most social relationships inside and outside the home. The worker who is not comfortable with his manager has often received some kind of harm from his manager, who may have insulted his dignity, deprived him of his rights, or wronged him. In other words, he has poked him with his stick like a starfish. Therefore, this worker usually avoids his manager, remains silent in front of him, resists him, and criticizes him a lot. I have noticed these types of relationships in the professional sports community a lot. When an athlete receives some kind of insult or hurt from a manager or coach, he quickly announces his desire to leave the club and join any other club, even though he had dreamed of reaching this club, where his presence was no longer bearable after the problem that occurred.

This also happens on dates. When a girl meets a young man she feels comfortable with, she is open to loving this person. She wants to approach him, caress him, exchange conversations with him, and enjoy his company. If he touches her, she responds with tenderness, affection, and positivity. But if he does something that hurts her pride or insults her person or femininity, she withdraws into herself and her gates close in front of him. She becomes more conservative and more regulated in her emotions towards him, and shows less freedom in dealing with him. Somehow, this young man was able to push this girl to close in on herself, and often without intending to do so. This also happens a lot in the institution of marriage. During our long years of marriage, I made many small mistakes that caused my wife Norma to close in on herself. I always enjoyed telling jokes about her to my friends or listeners. For example, I used to say: ((My wife treats me like a little god. In the morning, she presents me with burnt offerings.))* Or this joke, for example: ((Being married to Norma is like being married to an angel. Every day I find her flying high in the air, playing a special tune, complaining that she has nothing earthly to wear on her body.)) ** I and the others would laugh, but Norma was not amused by these ((stupid)) jokes. When she tried to show her annoyance at these jokes, I would respond by making her feel better: Be patient. Can't you stand a joke? It's just a joke.

What I didn't notice was that my jokes, my sarcastic hints, and my impolite behavior toward her were gradually contributing to her closing herself off. Years after our marriage, Norma had closed herself off most of herself to me. But I didn't realize it. I only noticed the apparent results of this closing in, like the times when I would come home from work and she would greet me with unusual coldness.

* A reference to the wife burning food while cooking (translator).
** It indicates that she complains and grumbles a lot and does not dress satisfactorily.

Without showing the expected welcome to my arrival. I would say to her: Hello dear, I have just returned home from work, but she would not answer. I would wonder: What is wrong? Is there a problem? And she would answer with a negative (no). Gradually I began to realize that her answer ((no)) meant ((yes)). Yes, there was a problem, but she was not expressing it. I had to know how I caused her to close herself off, and what were the means to restore our relationship to normal.

During counseling and therapy sessions for my clients, and to prove how sensitive human beings are, I would ask the person to step forward, close his eyes and extend one hand forward. I would first put a large stone in his hand that he could hold with one hand, and ask him to identify this object. The person would not make a mistake in identifying the stone in his hands. At a second stage, I would put a small, smooth pebble in his hand. One could not identify the pebble unless he took his time to feel it and guess its nature. Most men, who address their wives in a way that insults them, think that they are teasing them with a smooth pebble, but these wives feel these pebbles as if they were large rocks that break over themselves, forcing them to close themselves off and withdraw into a broken introversion.

The same can be said of all human relationships, especially those between parents and children. This type of relationship is especially dangerous for young children who are in dire need of sincere physical emotional relationships such as hugs, affectionate parental kisses and encouraging touch. If the father or mother is rough and harsh with his daughter to the point of insulting her and bringing her to the point of closing herself off, she will undoubtedly refrain from allowing her father or mother to show her affection or love. Instead, she will look for this affection and love elsewhere.

Young men may easily discover the need of such a daughter for affection, love and touch, and may exploit her need in relationships with undesirable consequences. This girl may start by refusing at first because she does not want to easily give up the values ​​and standards of her society. But she soon weakens under the insistence of young men and her resistance fades. Since the girl has previously closed herself off from her parents and does not want to enter into a new experience of rejection with others, such a child (girl) has a clear tendency to surrender. However, if this child has a correct and healthy relationship with her parents, she lives in an environment that is full of affection, tenderness and healthy touch, and as a result, her self will be open and strong. In these circumstances, this child (girl) will have the strength of character, the necessary energy and the desire to preserve the moral values ​​on which she was raised.